


Scattered Pieces

by LesbianShips



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Rollercoaster, Epic Friendship, F/F, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn, recovering addict, sober companion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-08-09 15:15:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7806835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LesbianShips/pseuds/LesbianShips
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke had done it all; drugs, excessive drinking and some self harm. She did everything that could shut the world down and keep her mind blank. It's her second time out of the recovery center and her mother is determined to keep her sober. To do so, Abby hired a sober companion to stay with her daughter and, hopefully, get her to stay clean and make something out of her life.<br/>Lexa is in the field of helping addicts for a while and she's good, only this new client is going to challenge her on levels she couldn't imagine.</p><p>The road to sobriety never ends; it gets easier, but only if you consistently work on it. Hiding issues won't make them disappear; you must face and deal with your demons. But what if a person doesn't want to do anything to help themselves? Or maybe they simply need the right person by their side, not allowing them to fall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It makes no sense for me to start a new story. Still, I have ideas in my head that won't let me continue with my other stories (and won't let me think of anything else but the need to write everything down).
> 
> This story is going to be a mess of emotions, don't say I didn't warn you. I have it all planned out and I'm determined to finish it, no matter how long it takes.  
> I hope you join me in this journey.
> 
> I don't have a beta, so I'm deeply sorry for all the mistakes (English is not my first language and I try my best)

On her bed there were her bags, one still opened; only a few items were missing before she was all packed. Next to it was the new client file, which she knew by heart. Clarke Griffin was the name of the young woman she was hired to assist as she got back home from the recovery center. The woman had a severe addiction to Oxycodone, some usage of heroin along with a drinking problem and periods of self harm. The whole story behind why it started wasn't mentioned, not in the file and not while she discussed it with the patient's mother; it happened after a bad car accident, was the only thing that she was told before they moved on, but with her experience she knew there was more to the story. She also knew that Clarke managed to get clean once a couple of years ago, but failed to stay that way. Having holes in the story made it harder on Lexa; she needed to know what she was going to deal with, the roots of the problem, so she could be more useful. Yet, the patient's mother insisted on keeping it quiet, said that it should come from her daughter. Lexa didn't need to meet the woman to know she won't hear the full story for a long time, so she tried to work around it and come up with ways to help the young woman. Being in the field of helping addicts and their family for a few years, Lexa knew all about how family's shame and lack of will to share their dark parts; even if it meant the process would take much longer and eventually they'd have to admit what hurt them and got them hooked. She didn't only knew it from helping others; Lexa experienced first hand hitting rock bottom and climbing back from hell.

A text informed her she could head towards her new home for the next few months. She preferred meeting up with her clients before they were released, get them comfortable with their next step of living a sober life. Like in this case, it didn't happen - she allowed the mother keep on thinking mothers know best, even though she was obviously too involved. Lexa did get the mother to agree not intervene when it came to her working process, or else she would've declined the job.

The only thing left to do was leave the key and a note for her sister to see when she got back from work. They won't talk for a little while, not until Lexa set the routine and get her client to stick to it. So Lexa wanted to say a quick thank you to her sister for letting her yet again crash at her place and eat all her food until her next job. After doing that, Lexa took her bags to her car and drove to the address she had memorized. 

* * *

Clarke chuckled when she got her phone back together with a few other personal items as she got released. She had no one to call; the dealers and those they referred to as 'bad influence' were wiped out of her contact list and friends? Yeah, none of those. She only had her mom's number and Marcus Kane's, not that she ever wanted to talk to them. Yet her mother was there to pick her up and drive her back to her apartment; which she was sure was searched and cleaned for her arrival. Clarke loved her apartment; it had a balcony from which you could see a good portion of the city and the sun set and rise, she had a room to do her art and the coziest couch. Though Clarke wasn't even sure she'd enjoy any of that clean and sober. That wonder didn't compare to the question whether to stay alive or not or if she'd go back to her old habits once left alone. Yeah, her mind remained dark, it wasn't something you can fix in a couple of months.

Her mother or Abby as Clarke's been calling her since  _that_ day smiled at her and asked how she felt. Clarke saw right through her and could tell how nervous the woman was. She shrugged and leaned on the side to watch the view from the window. Abby tried to make small talk for a little while and stopped when all she got were nods and hums. The blonde had no idea what she would do from now on, she didn't know what she would do the next day; all she wanted was to take a shower in her own shower and sleep in her own bed. She couldn't wait to be on her own; no sharing a room, no group meetings and activities, no checking up all the damn time. Her only hope was that her mother won't bother her for at least the rest of the day.

On the way Abby asked if Clarke wanted to grab something to eat, which the blonde declined even before the woman could finish the question. Abby sighed and hoped things would change for the better from now. They drove in silence and continued with it as they walked from the car to the elevator and the hallway. Clarke's eyes were focused on the ground until they got close enough to her apartment. It was then that the blonde saw a woman standing near her door with a few bags and a serious expression. Who the fuck is that, she thought.

"Clarke!" Or maybe she said that out loud by the yell and the small change in the stranger's expression.

"What did you do?" Clarke asked. She gave a long look at the woman, then turned angry towards her mother.

Abby looked worried, rightfully Clarke thought. "How about we get inside and talk?"

Clarke let out a rather scary chuckle. "You're not stepping one foot inside my apartment. Either of you." she spat.

"Your apartment? If I recall, I'm the one-"

"Excuse me," Lexa had seen enough. Two pair of eyes looked at her; one angry and the other hopeless. "Mrs. Griffin you can leave," she said simply, shocking the two. Before the older one could protest, Lexa continues. "Clarke and I can take if from here. We'll talk later."

Abby looked unsure. She knew her daughter, or rather that awful version of her and she knew getting her to agree to the arrangement would be an almost impossible mission. Still, she hired Lexa for a reason and with all the recommendations she received, Abby should've felt secure she could handle the situation. Her motherly instincts told her to stay, to try and support her child and let her know she was there even if Clarke refused any help from her. Though what was right for Clarke was for her to leave, so with a heavy heart, she let Lexa lead from there and went home to anxiously wait for an update.

Lexa examined how shocked Clarke was when she saw her mother actually leaving, though it only lasted a few moments. Then the walls were right back into place and anger took control.

"You're delusional if you think you're getting in," Clarke said as she stepped closer to the door with her small bag of items.

Lexa leaned on the wall next to the door, not at all phased by the woman's attitude. "It's either you let me in and we talk or your mother takes you to her place or a group home. You choose." She added a shrug, positive the first option would be the one the blonde would much prefer.

Clarke glared at the stranger, letting Lexa see just how exhausted the woman looked. It's a difficult task to keep the world at a safe distance all the time, she remembered well. It took a few short moments, but Clarke opened the door and left it for Lexa to enter.

"Now that you're in, mind telling me who are you and why are you here." Clarke couldn't wait, she was already on edge from coming home and being around her mother.

Lexa pointed at the couch in the living room and started walking towards it. "Mind if we sit?"

Clarke huffed, however walked as well and set at the far end and kept the anger evident on her face.

It didn't fool Lexa. The blonde tried so hard to appear mad and push away, yet if you looked deep into the ocean that were her eyes, you could see how troubled the young woman was. It all Lexa needed to know she would make it with this one; she only needed to be gentle and very patient.

"I'm going to be honest with you, you're not going to like it, but this is, by far, your best option," Lexa started, noticing the woman tensing up. "My name is Lexa Woods and I'm a sober companion. It means-"

"You're going to babysit me and make sure I won't use again because Abby can't trust me," Clarke cut her with a voice full of hurt disguised as anger.

"You're a recovering addict living alone, don't expect anyone to trust you just yet." Lexa tried not to smile at seeing the shocking expression on pale skin once more. So far being brutally honest worked, so she continued with it. "I won't be able to convince you that your mother is doing it out of love," The eye roll she got proved her right. "I'm not going to try to because I'm not here to make you love your mother. I'm here to make sure you stay clean and safe and to try and get you back on the right road."

Clarke kept looking at the stranger, Lexa her name was. Her mind wondered if it was a short for something and if so, of what. She thought of how someone get to do what that Lexa chick did for a living and why would they even want to. She looked deep into those green eyes, searching for any indication of a lie and finding none. Everyone around her walked on eggshells or tried to manipulate her. It wasn't like she trusted that Lexa woman, but at least she told it as it was; that could at least be appreciated.

"It's not like I have a choice in the matter..." It was less forceful. Clarke was simply tired of everything and now she had a roommate and no privacy, once more.

"I know it's not what you wanted when you walked out of the center, but it's not that bad." Lexa allowed just a tiny smile to appear on her face for a split second when she saw the doubt written all over the blonde's face. "You're at home; not at your mother's or sharing a place with another six or seven girls. You're going to have more and more freedom to do whatever you want, within reason, as the process moves along. And the best part is that you won't have to talk to your mother all the time, I'll do it for you." Lexa looked smug when she finished talking, knowing that would at least earn a point in her favor.

The blonde stayed silent, though looked just a bit more relaxed. The woman sitting on her couch had some good points, not that it made the situation ideal. "So how is it going to go?"

"Again, you won't like it, but hear me out." Lexa figured she'd keep being carefully honest and maybe it won't end with yelling and door slamming. "We'll have a routine going that would change only when I'm certain you're doing better," The look she got was one she saw many times. It made sense - adults didn't like being told what to do. So she continued as if she didn't notice. "Keep in mind that everything I'm saying you'll be doing in the comfort of your home," Lexa wanted Clarke to go back to relaxing, to keep her mind open to what was about to come. "You wake up at seven am and do a drug test, then while you shower I'm going to search every corner of the apartment to make sure there isn't any drugs or alcohol hidden around here,"

"You must be joking me, that's insane!" Clarke jumped up and threw her arms in the air. "I'm done with the recovery center, I don't need this bullshit at home as well now."

Lexa stayed seated, not wanting it to escalate more. "I get that it's highly uncomfortable, but you've been clean for about a month, while you've been an addict for years."

"I'm clean!" Clarke let out in frustration.

"What did they tell you in the center? Getting clean is the easy part, staying clean is the real struggle." Lexa new that most new recovered addicts didn't like to hear that, no matter how truthful it was. They think they showed everyone by getting clean, though going back to the old environment and being on your own is the real test and that's when you test yourself.

Clarke rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

She didn't leave and that was more than enough for Lexa.

"Allow me to finish and I promise it won't be as horrible as you may think." A shrug was another good enough of a signal for her to continue. "I know you struggled with self harm for a while, so I'd like to check for any marks, not only of needles, to keep you safe." Lexa made a note in her mind that that topic was one Clarke struggled to deal with, since she looked away which didn't happen when she talked about the drug tests for example. Maybe there was something more there and hopefully she'd get Clarke to trust her and get her to talk in the near future. "When you're dressed, we'll eat and exercise, then you'll have some free time and since I heard you're an artist, you could enjoy that for a few hours." another mental note - art is something that got her relaxed. When Lexa found out about Clarke loving doing art she was thrilled; it was such a good way to let things out without having to word them, it's therapeutic. "If we won't have anything to do, we'll eat lunch and you could do whatever you want, again within reason. Going out to places would be required discussion, so I'll be sure it's safe for you and your progress."

Clarke clenched her jaw, yet remain quiet.

"Meetings are a must every couple of days. I'll go with you, but stay outside, so you'll feel free to talk about whatever you want. On days that you don't have meetings, we can either sit down, here or someplace you like and talk or you can decide to talk to a counselor. It's up to you and you can take a few days to think it over, keep in mind you can change your mind whenever you want." Lexa tried her best to make sure Clarke didn't feel trapped or forced. The process needed Clarke to be on board or else she'd relapse again. "After that it's dinner and bed by 11 pm, so you'd get a good 8 hours of sleep."

"What about meeting with people? Going out?" it wasn't like she had anyone to do it with, yet she asked to know and also push Lexa some.

Lexa knew well that Clarke cut off practically everyone in her life, but the last thing she wanted was to embarrass the woman. Maybe with time Clarke could reconnect, it's kind of part of the steps. "Not for the first two weeks, unless it's meetings or something like grocery shopping, then we can talk."

"Does talk mean I say I want to go and you say no?"

"Talk mean you tell me where you want to go, with whom, for how long and what you'll do. If it's safe, there won't be any problem. Bars and risky places and people are out of the question, of course, but you're not a prisoner, Clarke. I'm only here to-"

"Keep me clean and safe, yeah, I heard you."

An attitude is acceptable. Lexa was happy Clarke stayed there and communicated, she had much worse beginnings. "It's going to be awkward at first, but I promise it'll pass and you'll be great and I'll be out of here soon. That if you work with me, of course. I only ask of you to try." Lexa quirked a brow in a playful challenge, thinking it'd be appreciated.

Clarke couldn't do anything except stare for a few long moments.  _Those are some really green eyes_ , she thought, forgetting Lexa waited for her answer. Concluding that it'd be easier for her to either stick with being clean or fall back down from home, Clarke agreed by raising her own brow and shrugging.

"Can I go shower now,  _mom_?" The fact that she agreed didn't mean she won't torture the other woman.

"I'm not into that whole mommy kink, so save it to those who do," Lexa said in the most calm voice, leaving a stunt Clarke. "I'll make some dinner while you're in there."

"There isn't anything here, probably.."

"Abby filled the kitchen, don't you worry." Lexa got up and began to walk towards the kitchen.

"Great, all we're going to eat are those shit you only need to microwave."

"Another reason you should go with this program is my cooking. Now go shower so I can start working."

"Sure you don't need to check I didn't inject something at the center?" Clarke tried to tease, only to fail.

Lexa shook her head; she needed to prepare herself to be tested rather then yelled at. "That desperate, Griffin?"

"Fuck you," Clarke yelled as she walked to her room. Lexa seemed to take it too well, Clarke couldn't let it slide. She won't let this stranger come into her home, control her life and fire back witty comments. Clarke was never the type to go by the rules and Lexa had so many she knew she'd enjoy breaking.

* * *

_"Your mom said you got out. I hope you feel well. It's been a while, but I'm here if you want to talk. O"_

Clarke had been staring at the text for 15 minutes. She sat on her bed, a towel wrapped over her hair and in some t shirt and shorts. She couldn't move. There wasn't a reason for her to check her phone, yet she did; maybe out of habit. Then there it was - a message waiting for her to read. And it wasn't from her Abby, trying to get every detail about her life. No, she just kept talking about her all the damn time. Not a few hours passed and she felt the need to do something to shut the noise in her head and calm her heartbeats.

"Clarke," There was a knock on the door, but it didn't open. "Are you alright? I'm going to have to get it, you've-"

"It's fine, come in." She almost forgot she wasn't alone and quiet frankly, Clarke didn't know if it made her glad or feel suffocated.

Lexa entered and look around, searching for something that could be used by Clarke to harm herself. Thankfully, she didn't find anything, not that she suspected a text could shuttered the young woman. "Dinner is ready and it's getting late, so-"

"Yeah, just give me a minute." Clarke threw her phone on the bed and got up.

Lexa looked from the phone to the blonde. "Did something happen?"

"No," Clarke answered and pulled the towel off her head.

"Clarke, I'm here so you won't keep bottling stuff inside-"

"You're here because Abby pays you a ton of money to babysit me!" Clarke lashed out. "Don't pretend to know me or care, I have enough of that." She pushed passed Lexa and went out of the room.

It was too quiet, Lexa thought, it had to come at some point. She followd the very upset blonde to the center of the apartment. "You weren't like that when you went to shower. What changed? Did someone called you?"

"No drug dealer called me to make a sell, Jesus! Can't I get  _some_ space in my own place? Is that too much to ask?" Clarke felt she was spiraling out of control.

"Go put on some pants."

"What?" That was unexpected.

"Pants, go put them on, we're going out."

"Out where? I thought-"

"Just put something you can walk outside in, come on," It wasn't something she'd ever done on a first day, but every person is different and it felt needed.

"You're fucking weird!" Clarke went to her room and walked back out a couple of minutes later.

Without a word, Lexa took the keys and they walked out and down with the elevator. Clarke was emotional, but also confused. Only when they got to the front of the building did Lexa explain. "We're doing a quick walk around the building, it'd help with the stress since you don't feel comfortable to talk. Don't talk to anyone, if you see someone who you're not suppose to be around tell me, but besides that, just clean your head and take deep breaths."

The woman didn't stop surprising her, though she was too deep in the mess in her head to fully recognize it.

"Ok, let's go." Lexa got that Clarke at least heard her and let her stay quiet.

Lexa walked in silence and looked around the area; trying to get to know it a little bit. Beside her, Clarke had her arms folded against her chest and her eyes trained to the ground. Fucking Abby had to open her mouth, she couldn't help herself for even a day. Abby was good at lecturing and saying stuff she couldn't back up, like she'd do better this time for example. It was all bullshit, empty words. She shouldn't have thought she'd get home and be able to relax on her own; that wasn't the way it worked for her. There was always something, as if the universe insisted on challenging her and make everything complicated. Clarke sighed quietly and kicked a small rock in front of her. How could she reply after everything she'd done? Even if she wanted to, which she didn't, she couldn't do anything to make it right. Having to deal with something so heavy with a clean mind made it impossible. It reminded her why she began to use and how depended she was on numbing everything and ignoring everyone by putting on a tall, unbreakable wall around herself. She didn't want pity and didn't deserve care.

The chilly air outside felt nice on her skin. Taking steps and hearing the city didn't come close to the high she craved, yet it managed to keep her grounded enough. She could intake enough air and just be a safe step away from a panic attack. She looked to her left to see that stranger walking next to her. It wasn't awkward and the woman didn't make her talk, if anything she looked in deep thoughts as well.

Lexa had a lot going through her mind and she was mid sorting it all when she felt eyes on her. She turned slowly to catch curious blue eyes on her. She knew there was so much dragging Clarke down and how easy it could be to go with what felt familiar, even if it was destroying you, just to ease it up. But Clarke walked beside her instead of escaping. Small victories.

"Ready to head home or do you want to go some more?"

Clarke nodded and Lexa returned the nod and kept quiet.

"Tell Abby to keep her mouth shut," Clarke muttered just before they entered the building.

So Abby was related to what was on Clarke's phone and upset her. She had to have a conversation or to say correctly  _another_ conversation with the woman. She could not make any progress with Clarke if her mother kept doing stuff to make her stay closed off and pushed her backwards. There was a lot of mending to do with those two, but before anything could rebuild, Clarke had to find herself, the clean and mentally healthy self. That was Lexa's job and she wasn't about to let even the one paying her, sabotage it.

"I'll take care of it." Lexa promised. "Let's go eat. Though you can't judge my skills yet, the food is cold by now." She had to lighten the mood and maybe get Clarke's mind off whatever was on her phone.

"Just don't give me food poisoning, I threw up enough this past month." Clarke's voiced was mixed with amusement and something darker.

Lexa could tell Clarke lost weight; her clothes were loosened on her body and her face lacked the fullness it had in pictures from when she was younger. She also knew how rough it had been; puking up, shivering, being hurt all the time and preferring death over suffering another second of the body cleaninpg itself.

"Don't worry, I won't make you spend your first night at home sitting next to a toilet." The brunette wanted to keep the air free of tension as much as possible with Clarke still being in an emotional state.

"How generous of you," Clarke mocked and it brought a tiny smile to Lexa's face. In the short time she spent with the blonde, she saw a person who was hurting badly, but also so much potential for greatness. Maybe, if they could connect and Abby won't interfere, Clarke could step away from her darkness and live a happy life. Lexa never wanted to succeed in something so badly in her life, her only hope was for Clarke Griffin to give her a chance to help her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to read your thoughts about the idea in general and the chapter. I'm actually super nervous!  
> 'till next time!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that is in fact an update.  
> I wanted to continue this story for so long, but I barely have free time between college and work. I actually wrote it between studying for 2 exams.  
> I hope you'll like it and share your thoughts.

The next day, exactly at 7 am, the door to Clarke's room opened and Lexa entered just as the alarm clock began to ring. She didn't plan on waking Clarke up every morning, just until the blonde got used to the new routine. Lexa had been awake for an hour, making herself useful around the small apartment and catching up on a few things. When she got into the room, she heard Clarke groan and tried not to chuckle when she saw the young woman pulling her blanket over her head.

"Good morning!" Lexa said it intentionally in her most energetic voice, while opening the curtains, and couldn't stop the grin when she heard Clarke mumble 'fuck off'. It was good Clarke was under the blanket, Lexa knew for certain that if she saw that grin she would've thrown the alarm clock on her. "It's time to wake up and start the day," Lexa walked towards the bed and waited for Clarke to move.

Having a healthy sleep schedule was important in Lexa's eyes in order to keep a clean life, so not only did she do it, but she wanted those she hired to help to embrace it as well.

"Clarke, you're not five. You had all the sleep that you need, now get up." Lexa tapped her foot on the floor and waited.

"Go away!" Clarke's tried her best scream with her voice laced with sleep.

Lexa shook her head at the childish act, not phased by it one bit. "In order to establish a healthy lifestyle, you need to adapt new,  _healthy_ habits," she sounded serious.

Clarke pulled the blanket enough for only her head to be visible. "Do you get off on telling people what to do, sergeant-" She peeped through only one eye, realizing she didn't remember the woman's last name, and closed it back immediately. She felt annoyed. She didn't ask for much, just a couple more hours of sleep.

The brunette raised an eyebrow at the stubborn woman. She gave her multiple chances, yet the blonde chose to ignore them all. Having enough of the games, Lexa took a step forward and pulled the blanket off the blonde, who gasped in return. "It's either you wake up or it's only scrambled eggs for you, no bacon or veggies," she threatened and caught the way Clarke's eyes flew open before she turned around.

"Do you want my pee that badly? I'd like to know if my roomie has more weird kinks." Clarke sat up on the bed and brushed a hand through her hair. She watched in confusion as Lexa exited and was unsure of what to do next.

Moments later, Lexa returned with a sealed plastic cup in hand and walked towards the bed again. It was then that she got a real first look at the blonde in the morning. Clarke wore a gray tank top and her hair was in a cute mess. The word adorable crossed Lexa's mind without her even realizing it happened when she saw the annoyance on her face. Lexa took pride in how professional she was, but she was still a person with eyes and Clarke Griffin was surely a beautiful woman. "Don't project your kinks on me," Lexa simply replied and reached out her hand. "Let's get this part of the day done, so we could go eat." Her tone softened as insecure blue eyes met with hers. "You'd want to taste my eggs, I promise you that. So what do you say, you want to get the boring stuff out of the way or argue with me, eventually do it and  _not_ get the eggs with all the good stuff?" Lexa kept the playfulness going, since Clarke loved teasing and testing her and the brunette thought it'd do the young woman good to keep the mood light.

Clarke hated that she had to keep doing that bullshit even at home. She pushed through those tests and counted the days to her release, only to have it continued. Though Clarke had to admit, only to herself, that it felt a bit less horrible than it did in the center. Instead of old, bitter nurses, she had a girl about her age, who insisted on having good comebacks. She sighed and took the cup, then got up to walk to the bathroom, missing the surprised expression Lexa had on her face when she saw the blonde had only underwear on.

* * *

After bringing the cup back to Lexa, Clarke went to take a shower. During that time, Lexa checked the test and did a thorough search of the bedroom, the last room she had to search since she did the rest of the apartment earlier. No drugs were found in Clarke's system, nor in the apartment; a good start, though it was only the first day.  
Once Clarke got out of the bathroom, it was time for the physical test. Lexa heard Clarke starting to say something, probably another attempt to push her, however, she closed her mouth and remained silent.

Self harm was never something Lexa did or helped treat. She had no education in the realm of psychology and that wasn't the job she chose for herself; she helped those who recovered from drugs and alcohol stay clean and do something useful with their lives. Clarke's mother insisted on hiring her and in order to do the best she could, Lexa read about the subject; she wanted to know what she got herself into. No one told her why Clarke hurt herself, only that she did it when things got really bad, when she hit rock bottom. No reasons as to what pushed her there, what brought it on, where she got the idea from. From what she knew, Clarke didn't even get a proper mental help; she barely took the help the center offered. Knowing that made Lexa add the consoling on the days when Clarke didn't have a group meeting. You can't force someone into treatment, but she hoped that Clarke could find a good therapist and that the new routine would open her up to receiving professional help.  _Hope_ was the key word. The way Clarke looked while Lexa pushed her shirt up to examine her stomach, added to Lexa's initial thought - there was something painful Clarke carried. It could've been anything and Lexa couldn't assume. She knew opening up and trusting someone is difficult and takes a lot of work, so she simply did the search with hope that Clarke and her could build trust.

When they were done, they went together to the kitchen. Lexa felt a bit worried that Clarke kept quiet, though she let her be for the time being; sometimes people need quiet time to think, she knew that best. Clarke sat at the table, her eye focused on something on the table and her mind deep in thoughts. It started with how her mother found out she cut herself, the fight they had and the words they exchanged and just continued from there. She didn't realize Lexa cooked the breakfast she promised until the plate was placed in front of her and the woman told her to enjoy the meal. Lexa didn't show any reaction to Clarke snapping out of her bubble and kept eating quietly, not paying attention to the blonde across from her. Clarke's heart pumped fast, she almost lost her appetite from all the thoughts and then the anxiety that came from thinking Lexa would force her to talk. Blue eyes stared curiously at the strange woman eating in front of her; she kept surprising her, doing the opposite of what Clarke thought she would do. When Clarke felt there was no need to stand guard on the walls she worked so hard to build and maintain, she let her eyes fall on the plate. Her mouth filled with drool when she saw the eggs with bacon and she had no idea how Lexa knew exactly the veggies she liked with her eggs. She took a big bite and hammed at how delicious it tasted. A small smiled formed on Lexa's lips and quickly disappeared, not wanting to scare the girl and cause her to stop eating.

When Clarke's plate was almost empty, Lexa finally spoke. "I had a strong discussion with Abby," She felt Clarke's eyes on her and the tension in the air. "She's going to try better not to intervene in your life." She wanted the blonde to see that she was on her side, not an extension of her mother. Yes, Abby hired her, but she wasn't there to do what the woman thought was the best for Clarke; Lexa's job in large was to help Clarke get on the right track, even if it meant doing something Abby didn't like or telling the woman she had to change her way.

To say Clarke wasn't ready for the information is to put it lightly. She swallowed the bite and drank the remaining half of her orange juice, then stared deep into Lexa's eyes.  The face she tried so hard to figure out, stayed calm, she looked honest. Clarke hated it. "Don't count on it, I know I'm not."

Clarke watched while Lexa process her words and readied herself for her to justify Abby. "I thought I made it clear that you're not ready to talk to her yet and that you need to sort your life on your own, but I have no problem talking to her as many times as needed."

Lexa felt it was an important moment for them and although she played it cool, she felt a little nervous. Clarke needed to trust her, she needed to feel comfortable to want to do better in life and leave the addictions behind.

Clarke gulped and her lips felt as if she stood in the desert. Did that woman actually tell Abby to stay away? Would she listen? Lexa sounded sincere about the subject and despite herself, Clarke believed her. She felt overwhelmed without anything to numb her emotions or shut her brain.

"You can go paint or something, I'll clean this up," Lexa offered Clarke an exit and went with collecting the dishes without mentioning she noticed the storm in the blonde's head.

* * *

 It's been over a month since Clarke step foot in her art room. When she looked for an apartment, she knew she had to at least have an extra room for her art; it wasn't big, just enough for space for her creativity to be expressed. Clarke closed the door behind her and looked around. Abby must've cleaned up because otherwise there would've been dust everywhere. At least the woman didn't touch anything, that would've made the blonde mad; there was nothing more personal to her than her art.

She walked in with her arms folded close to her chest and scratched her upper arm when her eyes caught the back of some of her previous drawings. Clarke couldn't remember the process of creating all those paintings, since she did most of them high. What she did remember was the final results and the feelings which accompanied every brush stroke.

Could she even draw anything now? Art was not only her greatest talent, it served as an outlet for her emotions. She used to paint with bright colors. Clarke loved painting nature and using plenty of green. She drew places she dreamed of visiting; no matter if they existed or pure imagination. She could spend hours getting every detail of her friends' faces and they gladly posed for her.  
Dark colors, anger and nightmares full of guilt and shame replaced the brightness, hopefulness and joy. Intoxicated beyond belief, Clarke let out everything on blank canvases. Some she destroyed when emotions ran too high, when she couldn't bare being in her own skin or when the thought of someone seeing them and getting a look into her soul got too much. But there were some drawings in a corner and Clarke wasn't brave enough to face the darkest parts of her soul, she couldn't bring herself to deal with what brought her to create them. She knew she'd drown. It did make her think if she could even pick up a brush and create something that wasn't soaked in sorrow.

Clarke sat down on a chair. The pain in her lower back could've been her mind reminding her of all those hours, sometimes even days, she spent on that chair. She ran her hands on the arm rests and took a deep breath when she felt the chills that ran through her body.

What would she even paint? She couldn't use bright colors for the past, she didn't have anything to use them for the present and who knew if there was anything in the future for her. Clarke sighed.

That room used to bring her joy and comfort in bad times. And what would she be if she lost the passion for it? Clarke bit her lower lip and hugged herself tightly.

The text she got the night before popped into her head. It got her to clench her jaw because Clarke won't cry. It said she hoped she felt better, but how could she? How could she be willing to talk? After all that had happened... Clarke felt too tired to even think about it all over again. It pained her that that O still hadn't given up on her; god knows she did everything to deserve O denying she ever knew Clarke. For most people, knowing that would bring them comfort, however, it did the exact opposite for the blonde.

Clarke continued to sit on the chair, staring at a blank canvas, as time passed by. Her mind full of thoughts, still she couldn't focus on none of them.

* * *

The smell of food filled the apartment at noon. Lexa went to call Clarke, though she settled with only a knock instead of actually entering the room. Lexa figured she won't intrude what she hoped was a relaxing time for the blonde woman. Clarke did come out and joined Lexa in the kitchen. Her mind was still not completely there after what being in her art room again brought. Yet, Clarke looked around at what Lexa made and the smells actually made her hungry. She moved slowly towards her seat. Noticing Clarke's behavior, Lexa stayed quiet as she poured them apple juice and filled each of their plates. Obviously, being in that room meant something for the young woman, Lexa just wasn't sure whether good or bad.

Like dinner the previous night, Lexa let Clarke eat most of the food she put on her plate before speaking. "There is a meeting a few buss stops from here at 6 pm."

"I'm not going," Clarke said without even looking up at Lexa.

"Clarke, we talked about it, it's part of-"

"-I don't care," Clarke cut her off, "I am not going to any stupid meeting."

It was nothing new for Lexa; she had a lot of experience with stubborn clients. She knew that there were things that when triggered, shut Clarke off or rise a highly emotional reaction; the text from last night, mentioning how she hurt herself. Going to meetings and actually dealing with what got her there, was what going to help Clarke live a good life, hence why Lexa included it in the routine.

"This is important in order for you to stay clean. It's only when you work to solve-"

"How else can I say it for you to understand that I am not going?!" Clarke dropped her knife and fork and glared at Lexa.

"I know it's difficult, but you don't even have to talk in the first one. Go, listen to others until you feel comfortable enough to speak." Lexa tried.

Clarke stood up, fuming that the discussion was still going. "I have no interest in hearing other fucked up people and even less interest in talking to them. So drop it!"

Lexa stood slowly and kept calm. "The people who go to those meetings aren't fucked up and neither are you," she spoke quietly, trying to gain control of the situation. "The meetings exist so people know they're not alone and could have someone who can understand without judging."

"That's bullshit!" Clarke spits. "I've sat through enough of those, hearing about people's sob stories and stupid excuses and guess what? None of it does anything to help, so I'm not wasting my time."

Lexa watched how Clarke pulled at the hem of her shirt, how she didn't keep eye contact for more than a few seconds and the way she kept changing which of her legs she leaned her weight on. Perhaps being in her art room triggered something, Lexa didn't know. The brunette only knew Clarke had some mental problems that she won't deal with and no one around her bothered to help with. Lexa weighed her options and she wanted to try and achieve a middle ground with the blonde, but before she had the chance to speak, Clarke stormed off. The blonde went into her room and slammed the door. 

The slamming of the door wasn't a big deal. The only thing that concerned Lexa was Clarke's well being. She walked to the door and knocked. "Clarke, I need to know you're alright," she said and when no voice came, she spoke again. "Forget the meeting. I need you to open so I can see you didn't harm yourself." She used the calmest voice she could muster. She hoped the small amount of trust and respect Clarke had in her would be enough. Lexa really didn't want to open the door by force.

It took a few moments, but the door eventually opened and Lexa could see the storm in Clarke's mind just by looking in her eyes. Lexa looked around, then at Clarke's body and got no sign of even intent to do anything to harm herself. On one hand, it reassured the brunette, but it concerned her greatly; mental issues can cause a lot of damage, they can ruin a person's life and without that person's will - it can be impossible to mend.

"Thank you," Lexa said, knowing it must have been difficult for Clarke to do. She looked so vulnerable and tired, though Lexa looked at it as signs that maybe Clarke would accept her help, even if it took some time. "I'm going to clean up the kitchen and maybe watch a movie." Lexa left it there and exited the room. She didn't expect Clarke to pour her heart to her, she only hoped the young woman would rest and maybe feel comfortable enough to come sit with her.

* * *

About 45 minutes later, Lexa found a good position on what she discovered to be the coziest couch. She had a hot cup of tea in her hands and lemon wafers next to her as she watched a movie. She missed the first ten minutes of it, but Lexa didn't care that much; she just wanted to rest for a bit. While her body did get to rest, her mind kept thinking about a million things; jumping from one thought to another, from Clarke's situation to her sister to what to make for dinner. Lexa took deep breaths and reminded herself to keep thinking rationally, that everything had a solution and there was no need to rush. It kept her grounded and positive.

Being deep in thoughts, Lexa did hear the footsteps that came towards her; she only felt the change in weight next to her. It snapped her from her bubble and turned to see Clarke next to her. The blonde sat with her legs up on the couch and looked unsure, even nervous. Lexa could barely hide her surprise. In order to not scare the woman away, Lexa simply nodded at her. She nudged the box of wafers at the blonde and turned to look at the screen.  
They were still strangers to one another, two strangers that had an emotional journey to go through together. Yet, Lexa felt relaxed and hopeful and going with the fact that Clarke actually went out of her room and came to sit with her, Lexa assume Clarke didn't completely hate her.

They sat in a comfortable silent for a while. They were on both sides of the couch and watched whatever was on the screen. At the middle of the second movie, Lexa glanced aside, curious whether she could read any emotions from Clarke's face, only to find the blonde asleep.  _"You don't fall asleep around someone you're scared of"_ Lexa thought to herself. She stood and gently adjusted Clarke's legs and covered her with a blanket. Lexa smiled at the sight. She thought it might've been the first time she saw the young woman relaxed. She chose to completely ignore the word _'cute'_ that ran through her mind. She went to her room to do a quick work out before showering and making dinner.

The smell reached Clarke's nose and woke her up. The first thought she had was about how long it had been since she had delicious homemade meals. Her heart clenched at that and she quickly sat up. She looked at the blanket that kept her warm and felt scared, scared of being cared for. Her feelings began to overwhelm her once more, though before they could, Clarke got up and went to the kitchen. A glance at a clock showed her that a few hours have passed; probably the most straight hours that she slept in a long while. Clarke chose to push everything to the back of her head. Her attention focused on Lexa moving around making them food. She jumped on an empty space place on the counter and watched. Lexa noticed her, she even turned and gave her a small nod; it felt like a real gesture, not some fake smile like they're friends because they weren't. Clarke appreciated Lexa for not pushing her to do anything and although she wanted to be left alone, Lexa was probably the only human Clarke could stand being around.

"I get that you might've needed the day off, you may need another one and it's not going to be at all easy at first. But you need to want to go to meetings and build yourself up," Lexa said gently during dinner. She didn't want another argument and could tell Clarke had no strength for it either. Lexa knew there was no escaping it; the meetings were necessary. She only spent a day with Clarke, but she wanted to help her get her life back on track and be happy. It wasn't like the blonde was different, Lexa wanted every patient of hers to succeed.

It took Clarke a couple of minutes, which she spent looking down at her almost empty plate. She didn't want to go, she didn't believe in them, but she lashed out on Lexa with no reason and she knew what were the alternatives. Clarke bit the inside of her cheek and fought to keep a lock on everything. She only shrugged, not trusting herself to speak.

"I'm going to suggest one more thing and I'm not expecting an answer or an update." Lexa decided to give just another small push. She knew it was a risk, but believed in what she saw as a tiny progress in their relationship. "Maybe try answering that text," she said and kept a straight face when Clarke's head snapped up and she, again, saw a storm in blue eyes. Lexa didn't know the story, only that Clarke got a text and it wasn't from any individual she had to keep away from. So the brunette thought that it might've been someone who the woman used to be close with; since Abby told them about her daughter being out of the center and since they still tried to contact her. "It's completely up to you." She had a lot more to say, ways to try and convince Clarke to reconnect with people who can support her. The look in Clarke's eyes told her she had so much to learn about the woman and that the blonde had enough conversation today.

When Clarke didn't run to her room for a few minutes, Lexa went to the freezer and took out the ice cream she found there earlier. She filled two cups and went back to the table. Banana chocolate chip was probably Clarke's favorite and Lexa had to admit it tasted great. 

"It's even better on waffles." Clarke's quiet voice startled Lexa, not that she let it be shown.

"Maybe we can try it if you wake up on time tomorrow," Lexa teased and gave the blonde a small smirk.

Clarke chuckled and broke eye contact. "Not likely," she replied with a bit of bite that Lexa sure was glad was there.

When they stood up and Clarke reached for the dishes, Lexa stopped her. Clarke wanted to wash them, do something after all the Lexa did. Lexa knew it was a good sign and that Clarke should be doing stuff like that, only the girl looked emotionally spent, so she told her she could start tomorrow. They held each other's stare for a long moment before Clarke put some of the dishes in the sink and went to her room.

* * *

Clarke fell into bed and covered her whole body with the blanket. It was too much for one day and being sober meant her mind wanted to always process things and she really didn't feel like sinking into any of that shit. She lay on her side for some time as she tried to ignore all the thoughts, but sleep refused to come. Without thinking over it, Clarke reached a hand from under the covers and grabbed her phone. She didn't know what surprised her more - not having a call or a text from her mother or having another one from Octavia. Clarke's hand shook as she moved to press the new message icon. Her heart raced as she read  _'You once told me friends are the family that we chose. We're one strange family, but we all chose each other_ _.'_ It hit her hard and made it hard to breath.

Clarke remembered saying that many times when she grew up and it was something she used to strongly believe in. Octavia was the first she said it to. They have been best friends since the Blakes moved to the house next to her own when they were only four years old. They learned how to ride a bicycle and swim together, they had sleepovers almost every day of the week, they were the first to know when the other had her first crush and kiss and somehow always ended in detention together. They were there in the happiest and saddest times of one another's life.

Clarke and Octavia haven't seen each other for about a year and a half; not from lack of trying from Octavia's side.

Octavia was online and before Clarke could close the app or better yet, throw it against the wall to avoid that mental self harm, she got another message.

_'I never gave up on you. WE never gave up.'_

Clarke turned the phone off and held it tightly against her chest. She bit her lips hard and kept going even after she broke skin and tasted metal in her mouth. Being sober sucked, it made the memories too close to the surface that the pain was impossible to bear. Clarke stayed frozen in place for most hours of the night before her body gave in.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'till next time


End file.
